THE GOLDEN ASS

By Peter Oswald

from the novel by Lucius Apuleius

Note. Mark Rylance asked me to write this for the Globe. He hired a room in Canonbury Tower in London, where Francis Bacon used to live, and me and Claire Van Kampen and Tim Carroll and Mark sat round an oak table and read through the book over several days, talking about what we’d like to be in the play. Mark secretly bought a remote-control fart machine so he could make any of us fart at any time. The play went down very well, with Mark as Lucius. That version, faithful to the original, was a journey from lust to celibacy via the animal kingdom. I wanted this new version to be a journey from lust to love via the animal kingdom. That has involved making the slave-girl Photis into a major character.

Characters. (The play can be performed by ten actors.)

ISIS

LUCIUS, an Athenian

His HORSE Candidus

ARISTOMENUS, a traveller

CLYTUS, a traveller

SOCRATES, friend of Aristomenus

MEROE, a witch

OLD WOMAN

MILO, a miser

PAMPHALE, his wife, a witch

PHOTIS, their maid

MARKET TRADERS

BYRRHENA, Lucius’ aunt

Her SERVANTS

LAMATHUS

BELLEPHERON

APPOLONIUS, friend of Byrrhena

POETS

THREE ROBBERS

OFFICERS OF THE LAW

PASSERS-BY

JUDGE

CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH

WIDOWS

CROWD-MEMBERS / CITIZENS

ROBARTES, a robber

DECIUS, a robber

HYPOTROPHUS, a robber

HOSTUS

SEXTUS

BALBUS

ALEXANDROS

GROOM

MARES

STALLIONS

RINGMASTER

THIASUS

SLAVES

SESTOS, a shepherd

ABYDOS, a shepherd

BEAR

MOTHER

RAPSIOS 

AUCTIONEER

BAKER

WIFE

Two STORIES

MELLITUS

MASSIMA

HERALD

LIONS

PRIEST

 PART ONE.

ISIS: Now let me tell you an old joke I know

That happened far away and long ago;

There was a man who loved a lively lass,

And for his lust was turned into an ass;

He suffered many bludgeonings and then

After some scrapes he was turned back again.

And most of all I must say this to you:

This is no joke, it’s absolutely true!

Enter LUCIUS riding his horse, which is worn out.

LUCIUS: Easy, my beauty! You have done me proud,

Over the mountains you have lifted me,

Trod the high road to holy Thessally,

The country of my mother’s family!

Now the dear soul has left us I am free

Curiously to seek her country!

On his white horse he comes, the unknown son!

Candidus, are you happy? Good old boy!

Enter ARISTOMENUS and CLYTUS.

CLYTUS: Oh come on!

ARISTOMENUS: I’m telling you!

CLYTUS: Oh leave off, for Christ’s sake!

ARISTOMENUS: Straight up!

CLYTUS: I have never, in all my born days –

ARISTOMENUS: Gospel!

CLYTUS: Heard such a stream of tosh gush from a man’s mouth.

ARISTOMENUS: You think I could make that up?

CLYTUS: Never has it been my fate to stand downwind of such a heap of horseshit.

ARISTOMENUS: Look –

CLYTUS: To be crushed by such a trumpeting herd of bollocks.

ARISTOMENUS: You’re wrong, Clytus –

CLYTUS: Arrant bollocks, palpable, gross, overblown, fatuous balderdash!

ARISTOMENUS: Plain truth –

CLYTUS: What do you take me for?

ARISTOMENUS: Clytus, these things happen.

CLYTUS: They do not.

ARISTOMENUS: They do.

CLYTUS: They do not.

ARISTOMENUS: They do! They did!

LUCIUS: Excuse me -

CLYTUS: It’s sick, the whole business, you should padlock your fantasies, Aristomenus, otherwise frustrated flexisexual suits up from Athens start thinking that in Thesally you can get anything you want by magic!

ARISTOMENUS: You can!

LUCIUS: What are you arguing about?

CLYTUS: (Replying to ARISTOMENUS.) Well yes – that encourages the locals to GIVE them whatever they want! It’s a vicious circle, spun by the hand of the pornographic imagination.

LUCIUS: Pornographic?

CLYTUS: People want to get drunk, they invent wine; people want to kill each other, they invent war; people want magic, and they invent superstitions and witches and that’s what we’ve got in this country! We’re up to our necks in it – and we asked for it!

ARISTOMENUS: Well I can only say what happened to me!

LUCIUS: Tell me!

CLYTUS: First time in the north?

LUCIUS: Won’t you tell us your story?

CLYTUS: Oh -  please!

ARISTOMENUS: Listen, this man does not know Thesally.

To learn the kind of place to which he’s come

All sharp and shaven from debating Athens,

Could save his life!

LUCIUS:        My life is in your hands.

ARISTOMENUS: Travelling from Aegina, selling cheese,

I bumped into my old friend Socrates.

Not the philosopher. He told me how he’d fallen on hard times and been taken in by a mature but well preserved woman who made him her lover! But when he found out she was a witch he ran for his life! He was on the street, on the run! I said don’t worry mate you’re safe now, I hired a room and we said our prayers and went to sleep. In the middle of the night – boom! The door bangs open and knocks me out of bed and the bed on top of me, where I lie hidden. It’s the witch! I hear these horrible murdering noises and then her muttering,

When you have served your purpose, be

Released, and seek your womb the sea!

I held my breath! At last she left. And in the morning so did we. Socrates seemed alright! But when we came to a stream, suddenly he dropped down dead! I rushed over to him, and found a great hole in his neck that had been plugged with a sponge. When we crossed the water – the sponge, obedient to the spell, jumped out and down he went! Socrates! (TO LUCIUS)

Beware this place, after a few days here,

You will not recognise yourself! Beware!

CLYTUS: Never in the history of gibberish has a naked lie been so skimpily bikini’d and stretched out on the beach of incredulity. I see what you’re hiding! You killed him yourself! Farewell! Murder this idiot. (Exit.)

LUCIUS: Friend, I believe you -

ARISTOMENUS: No use – no use – (Exit.)

LUCIUS: Now this for me is heaven! I am a man

Addicted to all curiosities –

In fact, I think it is the oddities

Of life, the quirks of fate, the puzzling signs,

The slips, exceptions and monstrosities,

That can explain the rest, they form the key

To the whole code! So the invisible

Gets our attention! I have come from Athens,

Where reason reigns, but nothing gets explained!

I am a man of small experience,

But I am gifted with an open mind –

ENTER ISIS SELLING ICE CREAMS.

ISIS: Ices! Ices!

LUCIUS: But it’s winter.

ISIS: Welcome to Hypata!

LUCIUS:                Am I really here?

Well done old horse.

ISIS:                           How can I help you, sir?

LUCIUS: I want a girl. I want a heap of gold.

And lastly, this: I want to know all things.

ISIS: Do you want a flake with that?

LUCIUS: Tell me how I may find the house of Milo!

ISIS: Milo? Turn round and walk straight forwards, sir;

He lives beside the city gate, his mansion

Is the collapsing shack that clings in terror

To the old wall. There is a nice girl there, 

You could try her. And all the hollow walls

Are stuffed with gold, but Milo isn’t giving.

And his wife knows a thing or two – ask her –

Though what she knows is better left unlearned.

You’d best get on with your adventure then.

LUCIUS: Thank you, I will. Fantastic Hypata!

ISIS: You will be good though, won’t you Lucius? Lucius – listen – oh, never mind! Do you know what this is?

SHE PRODUCES A ROSE.

LUCIUS: A rose.

ISIS: It is the last rose of summer. From another country. Take it. Give it to your sweetheart.

LUCIUS: When I’ve got one!

He takes the rose. Exit ISIS. LUCIUS knocks at MILO’s door.

PHOTIS: (Within.) We’re skint! There isn’t any money here,

The house is clean, it’s like the bank of Athens,

Unless you want to borrow?

LUCIUS: I have come from Athens, I am Lucius – this letter –

He hands over a letter. PHOTIS consults with MILO, who reads the letter.

LUCIUS: (ASIDE) At last, at last! Forgive me if I seem

Overexcited by arriving here,

But my beloved mother has just died,

Setting me free; I had to care for her

Down there for years! I have been far too long

Trapped in the narrow plough-lines of the plains!

These mountains point my heart straight up to heaven.

I am standing at the door of my life! Oh let me in!

PHOTIS: Alright, come in!

Enter LUCIUS to MILO and PAMPHALE sitting at supper, PHOTIS serving.

PAMPHALE almost never speaks, but keeps an unerring fixed smile.

MILO: Lucius, welcome, sit down! Pamphale, give up your seat for our friend!

LUCIUS: Lady, I beg you, do not move for me!

MILO:

MILO: Dear friend, I see you are a wealthy man,

And so indeed our mutual friend implies,

But we poor folk are not so rich in stools,

So multiple in sofas and settees,

So overloaded with ingenious

Forms of support, that we can all sit down

At the same time, when suddenly there comes

Out of the blue, another bum. My friend,

The less than little that we have is yours.

You must be tired. Why not lie down?

LUCIUS:                                          I will.

I am as happy as a man can be.

Hypata is a town out of a story.

MILO: It is the place we live in, actually.

PAMPHALE: There will be rain tomorrow.

MILO:                                                 Oh my God!

LUCIUS: How can you tell?

PAMPHALE:             The candle.

MILO:                                         Obviously.

LUCIUS: That should not be surprising – this small flame

Is the sun’s son; it is a flickering

And far-off child of his sight-giving eye

That oversees the phases of the sky.

He seems about to go on at length.MILO blows out the candle.

MILO: Good night!

LUCIUS: Good night! And thank you so much for having me!

Exeunt – LUCIUS to his room.

LUCIUS: How can I lie down? Night is not the time

For sleeping, when the owls sail in the sky,

When people turn their secret selves outside,

And mine, too long imprisoned, longs to dive

Out of the moon and seize a squealing creature!

I think I made a pretty good impression

On my hostess. And I could not help noting

The servant thing that would not meet my eyes;

Her hair was shining and it brushed my hand

Like fire – but I am keeling over – damn –

Starving! Well then – tomorrow everything!

He lies down and sleeps. Dawn breaks. Cock crow. Enter TRADERS to market place.

FIRST TRADER: Mice! Mice! Rabbits!

SECOND TRADER: Spanish courgettes!

THIRD TRADER: Crystals! Crystals!

FIRST TRADER: Mice! Rabbits! Mice!

FOURTH TRADER: Bread!

FIFTH TRADER: Italian rice!

THIRD TRADER: Courgettes!

SIXTH TRADER: Incense!

THIRD TRADER: Courgettes!

FIFTH TRADER: Italian rice!

FIRST TRADER: Parrots! Snakes! Lizards!

SEVENTH TRADER: Japanese seaweed!

THIRD TRADER: Skulls!

FIRST TRADER: Crocodiles!

FOURTH TRADER: Bread!

SEVENTH TRADER: Moroccan biscuits!

THIRD TRADER: Tarot cards! Bones!

SIXTH TRADER: Self-respect!

SEVENTH TRADER: Wisdom! Truth!

PROSTITUTE: Sex!

SIXTH TRADER: Sympathy! Advice! Kindness!

SEVENTH TRADER: Love! Love! Love!

FIRST TRADER: Terrapins!

Enter LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: Eyes cannot see the things of Hypata –

It is all hidden! What the ears can hear

Is a mere sigh of what is being roared

By the old stones! I woke amazed at dawn,

Sprang from my plank bed! Racing through the town,

Too slow, I reached the gods just as they turned

Back into statues – but I saw bright creatures

Rise in a rush of wings to fall as fountains;

How can I find the crack through which these phantoms

Fled, so that I can follow them and hold them!

Enter BYRRHENA and SERVANTS and LADIES.

OLD SERVANT: Lucius?

LUCIUS:                      Yes?

OLD SERVANT:            God help us! Lucius!

BYRRHENA: Lucius? No it can’t be!

OLD SERVANT:                                Lucius?

LUCIUS: As I said – yes?

BYRRHENA:            It is my sister’s face.

You have your mother’s beauty, Lucius!

Lucius, it is truly Lucius!

Come to my arms!

LUCIUS: You are extremely gracious –

OLD SERVANT: It is your aunt Byrrhena, Lucius!

Kiss her! Go on!

LUCIUS: This is a public place.

BYRRHENA: In Hypata relations may embrace!

They kiss.

I brought you up till you were four! What grace

Has led you out of Athens to my house?

Oh now I see my sister is not dead!

Stay at my house, dear heart, let me replace

Your much-missed mother. Why did you not write

To tell me you were coming, my sweet light?

LUCIUS: I thank you for your invitation, aunt,

But it would not be courteous to my host,

Milo, for me to seek another roost,

No matter how attractive. May I call,

Whenever I am passing, at your house,

And see how you are doing?

BYRRHENA:               Did you say

That you are lodging at the house of Milo?

That is where Photis lives! But do be careful!

The mistress of the house is not a lady.

LUCIUS: What do you mean?

BYRRHENA:        Beware of Pamphale!

She is a worshipper of Hecate,

But in the bad way, not in the good way -

She has a hunger for young men, requiring

Multiple spells to keep her door revolving.

Try to be ugly when she looks at you,

And move out quickly.

LUCIUS:               I must go, forgive me,

Milo is waiting.

BYRRHENA: Do not be a student

Of her sick wisdom!

LUCIUS:              I am not a madman!

Exeunt different ways. Re-enter LUCIUS.

Pamphale magic! I will make her mine,

Then she will tell me, screaming in my arms,

About the dreams of eels and the religion

Of moths for which they crackle in a candle!

But she may be as private as Diana;

Better to slide towards her through her helper,

The burning servant. She is the gate-keeper!

Exit. Enter PHOTIS to the kitchen, stirring the pot.

PHOTIS: My daddy was a fisherman,

He threw me in the sea,

With a hook through my abdomen,

Oh misery, oh misery.

My mummy was a flowergirl,

She stuffed me in the ground,

And cut me at the roots to sell –

Where could a sadder tale be found?

My brother was a bankrobber,

He shoved me in his gun,

And shot me at an officer –

Still down the wall my blood does run.

My sister used to scream and shout,

We argued in the womb;

To keep her quiet, I moved out

Into a slightly smaller room.

Tell me who will be to me

Brother sister father mother?

Empty of my family

I am hungry for another.

Enter LUCIUS, behind.

LUCIUS: What is she stirring? There are stars in there,

It is the cauldron of the universe

That her spoon moves! I would do anything

To have a taste of that! I must say something!

PHOTIS looks over her shoulder.

PHOTIS: Good afternoon.

LUCIUS:         Good afternoon! Disaster!

I should have spoken first! I will not win her.

Powers of darkness, rise! But they ignore me,

Why should they bother with a man who dithers,

Collecting women’s legs to decorate

The bedroom of his head? Oh look at her,

This is the centre of the universe,

This is the engine-room, she is the engine -  

Everything following the revolving motion

Of her hipbones, she’s stirred since the beginning

With the same hand the planets and my atoms!

I must do something! Standing here in silence

Will start to look insane. (ALOUD) How expertly

You stir the pot! It must be very tasty,

What you are cooking!

PHOTIS: It would burn your tongue.

LUCIUS addresses the audience.

LUCIUS: It is the hair, it is the hair, my friends.

If they were bald I could be bold with them.

See how it gleams like treetop leaves that shine,

Shivering oh with messages from heaven!

But she is just a slave-girl! I could own her!

He touches her hair, kisses the back of her neck.

Are you a witch?

PHOTIS: Try to move.

LUCIUS: What will you turn me into?

PHOTIS: When are you free?

LUCIUS: Forever.

PHOTIS: Tonight I take you, bones and all

Downriver to the waterfall

That drops into the sea of hell

Where angels when they fall in love

Tumble by millions from above

Like rain that falls into a well.

LUCIUS: Tonight.

PHOTIS: Be ready!

LUCIUS: It is night already!

PHOTIS: It is the evening, it is suppertime.

You must sit down, in patient conversation

With Milo and his wife!

LUCIUS:                   Oh time, go quickly!

Enter MILO and PAMPHALE to table. PHOTIS serves.

MILO puts all the food onto his own plate.

MILO: It is all tosh. I loathe astrology

With my whole being. Must I sit and listen

While some fat smiling child-molester tells me

That I and all the other people born

On March the Twenty-Eight, can’t stand astrology!

And as for Jupiter and Mars and Hera,  

Give me some peace! The world we have to live in

Is difficult enough without religion!

Leave fate alone! Let heaven deal with heaven,

And earth with earth. If I can see a man,

And he speaks sense, I can do business with him.

I work the miracle of making money.

LUCIUS feigns extreme tiredness.

LUCIUS: You are so right, sir! But I am collapsing,

Falling apart, I reckon, at the seams.

MILO: Then sleep! But take no notice of your dreams.

Exeunt all but LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: Now life, begin!

Enter PHOTIS with wine, garlanded in roses. She covers the bed and LUCIUS with roses.

LUCIUS: What is your name?

PHOTIS: Photis.

LUCIUS: Oh! That means light in Greek.

PHOTIS: You are Lucius. That means light in Latin.

LUCIUS: We have the same –

He is momentarily confused.

PHOTIS: If I love you –

LUCIUS: Yes?

PHOTIS: Will you get me my freedom?

LUCIUS: Would Milo sell you? How much?

PHOTIS: I don’t know – I -

LUCIUS: Photis, I promise!

PHOTIS: Thankyou!

LUCIUS chases her into the bower.Enter LAMATHUS in a bear suit, pursued by dogs and men with spears.Enter ISIS selling ice-creams and crying ‘Crisis! Crisis!’LAMATHUS fights with the dogs and men, breaks away, exits. ISIS exits.

LUCIUS rises.

LUCIUS: Dear friends, last night, without a word of warning,

The full moon crashed into the rising sun,

The mountain maiden and the man of fire

Consumed each other, her ice hands descending

His thighs of hot iron. I have gone to heaven,

And all the flowers of the world are crying.  

Enter PHOTIS.

My love, sit down!

PHOTIS: Sit down? I’ve got to sweep the master’s dandruff up off the street, I’ve got to boil my lady’s giblets for the blithering cats, I’ve got to catch the chickens and squeeze some eggs out of them, I’ve got to chase the monkeys off the roof and put back the chimney pot, I’ve got to make Indian fish dumplings, I’ve got to cut my ears off and screw them to the back of my neck and I’ve got to build an aqueduct. What are your plans for the rest of the morning?

LUCIUS: Remembering.  

A hamper arrives.

PHOTIS: What’s all this?

LUCIUS: From aunt Byrrhena. ‘Come tonight to supper.’ No way.

PHOTIS: No, you should go.

LUCIUS: But I need you, I do not need my aunt.

PHOTIS: Go for supper, slip away after.

LUCIUS: They will not let me, they will talk forever.

PHOTIS: But you must go, we can’t just lie here fucking all night and all day.

LUCIUS: Can’t we?

PHOTIS: Go out and think about it. And while you're there -

LUCIUS: What?

PHOTIS: There's a bloke who goes there called Bellepheron. He keeps trying to buy me off Milo. He says because he wants my stories. Would you just tell him –

LUCIUS: That if anyone buys you it will be me! Of course I will my darling! What stories?

PHOTIS: There was once a king who had three daughters – the eldest was striking, the second was a handsome woman, but the third and youngest was more beautiful than Venus – or so people thought! So beautiful she was that the sea stopped when she passed by it and the birds flew straight up out of the atmosphere. Her name was Psyche.

PHOTIS as PSYCHE sits up very still like an icon. She continues to tell the story, using bits and pieces of cloth and other things that she finds, as puppets.

She was so beautiful that no man would marry her, but everyone bowed to the ground and adored her as if she was Venus indeed. And Venus raged because her churches were empty. So she summoned her son, Cupid -

VENUS: Make her desire an oily slicker

Or an excitable old Vicar,

Or a mad tramp who shouts all night,

Or an attractive stalactite.

And Cupid glided down to the earth. In the meantime Psyche’s sisters were married but still no husband could be found for Psyche, and her parents, in despair, consulted the oracle at Delphi.

PYTHIA puppet screams and goes into an ecstatic trance.

PYTHIA: Black! Black! Dress her in black! Up, up, take her up, up, put her up on the earth’s tooth! That is where he will find her. He is fire! He is rage!

And her parents, in obedience, took Psyche up to a crag and left here there. Strange wedding! And Psyche waited all alone to be devoured. But then Zephyrus, the west wind, that musician whose flute is the woods, picked up Psyche and set her down in a deep valley on a bed of anemones. And there she found a palace made of rubies, whose doors flew open at her touch; invisible servants led her to a bed – and there she lay wide-eyed, as the day, beheaded, fell dead and darkness usurped its throne. And then she realised she was not alone.

PSYCHE: Something has come into my room.

The light is out and in the gloom

I can see nothing. Not one star

Shines to cast shadows from afar;

Surely this darkness is divine,

It sings inside me like red wine,

Making me brave. I shall not stir,

Though this could be my murderer.

What hour is striking with no chimes?

Who is it that so softly climbs Into my bed?

CUPID: I am your husband.

So Psyche loved him many a night, but never might she see his face. And this is what she said after the first time, when she woke beside a ruffled place on the sheet.

PSYCHE: Venus, I thank you, now I know

What makes the pheasant’s feathers glow

And why the cackling magpie shines

And why the ravens in the pines

Build their big houses, shout so loud,

What makes the red deer stand so proud,

Both hind and stag; and it may be

That he will not come back to me,

But he has left me eyes that see!

But he did come back, the invisible, loved as deep as the darkness in which he loved; but one night he warned her –

CUPID: My love, your sisters are ascending

The hill you fell from, with heart-rending

Cries! But you must not call to them,

Or they will snatch away the gem

Of our sweet life. They are two twisters,

Not worth your trust or love!

PSYCHE: My sisters!

She cried all day because, though her nights were full, her days were lonely; and the next night he tasted her tears and was persuaded despite himself to let her see her sisters.

CUPID: But they will drag you out of grace,

And make you try to see my face,

And Psyche, if you look at me,

Then you will lose me. Do you see?

PSYCHE: That wish shall never come between us,

Love is the light that comes from Venus,

And I can see you in my heart,

So we will never be apart.  

That’s enough for now – off you go!

LUCIUS: No!

PHOTIS: Yes! ‘Then she told him to go and he went.’

Exit LUCIUS.

BYRRHENA’s house.

Enter BYRRHENA, BELLEPHERON, APPOLONIUS, POETS, who read to each other. A woman in a long dress dances slowly.

BYRRHENA: Now who will save my nephew from the pit

Towards whose perfumed arms he skips and leaps?

Into the bearded cave that promises

Elysium he leaps, oblivious

To the foul she-bear death whose mouth it is!

BELLEPHERON: You say he lodges at the house of Milo?

Where my sweet storytelling Photis suffers

Under that witch –

Enter LUCIUS in a tearing rush.

BYRRHENA: And here he is! My darling, you have come!

LUCIUS: Yes, I am here. Aunt, thank you for the wine,

Pig, truffles, chickens and this invitation.

Is this for me?

He drinks down a glass of wine and starts eating fast.

BYRRHENA: You are in such a hurry!

LUCIUS: I have read fourteen books of poetry

Today already, and I have assembled

All the best volumes of philosophy

Back in my room, where they are waiting for me.

Also I have been told to see the river

At dawn, and certain palaces and temples,

And they are old and always falling over,

Being rebuilt – they change as quick as children!

I run to sleep, I hack my dreams to pieces,

And leap awake. Is this the next course?

BYRRHENA:                  Nephew,

If you stop eating, I can introduce you

To my distinguished friends – no need to study

Dusty old tomes, philosophy resides

In this man’s spirit – Appolonius,

Lucius.

LUCIUS: Glad to meet you.

BYRRHENA: And the poet

Bellepheron, also the foremost actor

In the whole north!

LUCIUS:             I read your book this morning.

Quite good. Keep writing.

APPOLONIUS: What are your impressions

Of Hypata?

LUCIUS: The place is sick. Dead bodies

Rot in the ground for half an hour, then teams

Of dribbling women elbow past the mourners

To dig up bits for spells, and everything

Is sex, sex, sex, God help us, everyone

Wants to get changed into an animal

For dog-sex, bird-sex, dolphin-sex – no wonder

All your young people want to be assassins

Or lunatics, or famous murder victims.

BELLEPHERON: You have a healthy attitude to witches.

And I could tell a tale if you will listen.

APPOLONIUS bursts out laughing.

Why are you laughing?

APPOLONIUS: It is just the season!

BYRRHENA: The Festival of Risus, god of laughter,

Begins today! I hope that you will praise him,  

Lucius! Play a trick on somebody,

That makes the city laugh and makes you famous!

BELLEPHERON: Lucius is so damn satirical,

He will not fail to tickle Hypata

With its own tail!

APPOLONIUS: Now let the Festival

Begin!

BELLEPHERON: It is for Lucius alone

I tell this moral tale, and not for laughter.

Lucius, I was once as beautiful

As you, and roamed the world, all eyes, delighted

Most by myself! I came to Thesally

For the Olympic games, but at Larissa

My cash ran out. The only job on offer

Was this – to stand guard over a dead body

That night – he was to be entombed next morning.

I would be well paid by the dead man’s widow,

But any parts a witch might steal for evil,

I must make good with my own bits. No problem.

I was a match for any witch, I reckoned.  

Night fell. I sat beside my cold friend whistling

Trouble-free tunes – then suddenly a weasel

Was standing in the middle of the chamber.

I stamped and screamed! The creature disappeared!

I gave myself a medal, and promotion,

And promptly fell asleep. At dawn,

The widow burst into the room, examined

The corpse, pronounced it whole, and sent me beaming

Out of the house with gold for my sweet dreaming.

Proud of my work, I watched as the procession

Carried the corpse across the market place

Towards its tomb. Then suddenly a tall man

Straddled its path! As if possessed, he shouted,

‘This man was murdered and I know who did it!’

The fellow was a priest and he proceeded

To mumble backwards words. The dead man shuddered,

Sucked in a sudden gust of air, and, struggling

Onto one elbow, glared at the assembly

With eyes of fire! Then hollowly he boomed –

‘It was my wife, she loves another man!’

Of course she called the corpse a lying bastard –

Then he, to prove his point, bass-voiced these words:

 Last night the man appointed by my wife

To be my body’s watchman, suckled slumber,

And lay like me stretched out. And then a voice

Rose from the wainscot, lighter than a spider,

Calling me by my name, Bellepheron –

Stand on your dead feet, rise, Bellepheron!

LUCIUS: Bellepheron?

BELLEPHERON: Yes! The dead man and I had the same name! I stood in horror as he described how I, rising quicker from sleep than he could from death, stepped towards the voice! How a hand appeared in the darkness holding a razor that lopped off my nose and ears and pressed wax copies into the oozing wounds to keep the crime unknown! And I could not believe what he was saying –

LUCIUS: I am not prone to disbelief, but frankly –

BELLEPHERON: It is the truth.

BELLEPHERON removes his nose. Uproarious laughter from all the assembly.

LUCIUS: Thanks for the story. Now I must be off.

BELLEPHERON: What have you learned from my humiliation?

I did not suffer it again for pleasure!

Sweet child of love, pause on the edge of danger,

And think!

LUCIUS: Wise teacher, you have changed my life!

Never shall I forget this evening’s teaching!

Women are witches and I must avoid them

Or lose my favourite bits. Now I am safe,

Thanks to the latex of your good advice.  

BYRRHENA: Well done! Well done!

BELLEPHERON:                  I have not lived in vain!

He tries to embrace LUCIUS, who dodges.

Where are you going?  

LUCIUS:                     To a life of learning!

Exit LUCIUS. He is on the street, drunk.

That anti-Cyrano wants to buy my lover!

Think of his flat face grunting over her!

Where am I? Home – but half the night is gone!

How dare an old man waste a young man’s time!

Enter ISIS

ISIS: Excuse me, sir! That rose I gave you. Have you given it to anyone yet? Just wondering -  

LUCIUS: What?! My lover is a slave! You don’t give roses to slaves!  

Exit ISIS. Enter three burly ROBBERS trying to lift MILO’s door off its hinges.

LUCIUS: What’s this?

FIRST ROBBER: Come on lads, heave at it!

SECOND ROBBER: It’s thick oak this.

THIRD ROBBER: We need a battering ram.

FIRST ROBBER: One last go, then we’re in, cut their throats, take everything.

Heave my lads, or never get to heaven!

LUCIUS: That’s Milo’s house! Bright Venus, thanks,

For making me your Mars tonight!

He battles with the ROBBERS.

ROBBERS: He’s a superman! He’s a demon!

LUCIUS kills them, bangs on the door, which is opened by PHOTIS.

PHOTIS: Come in, my love!

LUCIUS: Quick, hide me, I have killed them!

She pulls him in. Morning. Enter OFFICERS, banging on the door.

FIRST OFFICER: Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

SECOND OFFICER: Be a bit grimmer, Hilarius.

FIRST OFFICER: I love my work, I can’t help it! Wakey wakey!

Enter LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: Put on the handcuffs, lead me to the Judge, I did the crime, but he

will hear my reasons.

FIRST OFFICER: Wonderful! The one thing Judges love to hear about is reasons to kill people. Murderers are so reasonable! But the murderer’s reasons for killing his victims are the Judge’s reasons for killing the murderer. Most often!

SECOND OFFICER: You’re in it now, son. How do you feel?

LUCIUS: Justified.

FIRST OFFICER: You will be, you will be well and truly justified by the time we’re finished with you. As a man who’s turned to stone is petrified, a man who’s fucked by justice is justified – crucified, nullified!

LUCIUS: Why are you standing in the street, talking?

FIRST OFFICER: The secrets of our trade are legion. We are trained not to act in a predictable manner. We move very fast, and then we move very slow, we listen very carefully and then we display complete indifference. We are able to converse, and, conversely, we can turn around and be totally taciturn. With us you do not know where you stand, and so you sit down, you sit down, and you put your head in your hands.

Enter PASSER-BY.

PASSER-BY: Is this the killer?

SECOND OFFICER: This man is helping us with our enquiries.

PASSER-BY: You’re done for!

Exit howling with laughter.

Enter other PASSERS-BY.

SECOND PASSER-BY: Why did you do it?

THIRD PASSER-BY: Look at his evil eyes!

SECOND PASSER-BY: Don’t get too close!

THIRD PASSER-BY: I want my children to see this!

SECOND PASSER-BY: Do you think he knew what he was doing?

THIRD PASSER-BY: Of course!

SECOND PASSER-BY: When’s the execution?

LUCIUS: Take me to court!

FIRST OFFICER: No – not the court, the theatre!

Enter JUDGE, WITNESSES, CROWD.Three bodies lie under a tarpaulin.

JUDGE: Because this case attracts such interest,

I have adjudged it in the public good

To move this trial from the constrictive courtroom

To the expansive amphitheatre, noting

However, that this is not entertainment.

Cheering and hysterical laughter as LUCIUS is brought in.CAPTAIN OF THE WATCH comes forward. Water-clock is placed on the table.

What is this man accused of?

WIDOW: Triple murder!

JUDGE: Call the first witness!

CAPTAIN:                    Folks, I am the captain

Of the night watch; I came across this felon

As I was in pursuance of my duty

In the small hours this morning. He was killing

Without restraint, these three good men of Hypata.

Citizens hear me! Save our ancient city,

That frail old lady, raped by an intruder,

A man from Athens, where they kill their thinkers!

JUDGE: If the accused has anything to say,

He may now answer to the accusation.

LUCIUS is weeping but manages to get control of himself.

LUCIUS: Am I foreign? Yes I am foreign. I was born foreign! It depends on where you are, doesn’t it? Well I am here, I am here, I am here. I had been drinking – I am not used to drinking, not till I came to Hypata have I ever been a drinker! Ask my aunt Byrrhena – she thinks the world of me – so would you if you knew me! I am in love! Also I was bewitched! Have mercy! They are the killers, they came at me, three at once. They were going to murder my girlfriend. She loves me. One of them threw a rock at me. The other one bit me in the leg I was trying to save you, all of you!

FIRST CROWD-MEMBER: He’s a madman!

SECOND CROWD-MEMBER: He’s a child!

THIRD CROWD-MEMBER: Let him go, crybaby!

General laughter. LUCIUS sees MILO and gestures to him.MILO howls with laughter.

JUDGE: Now we shall hear the widows of the victims.

Enter WIDOWS of the victims.

FIRST WIDOW: The clock struck one. He should be home, it struck me.

And then the knocking of the officers.

I speak for us, my sisters cannot speak,

They are, I think the doctor says, depressed.

It is for you to give us back to us,

Help us to close the file, sweet citizens,

So we can move on. To my little son,

Who asks me what will happen to the man

Who killed his father, shall I answer, ‘Nothing’?

CROWD: String him up! Cut his balls off! Rip his guts out! Bury him alive! Drown him in acid!

JUDGE: He is condemned, and will be shortly slaughtered,

But I cannot believe that these three oaks

Could have been felled by one small man from Athens!

Therefore it is expedient for us

While he can still speak, to illuminate

The question of this man’s accomplices.

This is the moment. Fetch the instruments!

Torture implements appear.Crowd goes wild with excitement.

FIRST WIDOW: Stop! There is still some mercy in this place;

We must stamp out this flame of tenderness!

I have seen mothers in the gallery

Weeping for this young man who is so handsome!

To see him truly, see what he has done!

Then choose the method of his execution!

JUDGE: You must remove the cover from your victims.

FIRST WIDOW: So we can all be beasts, as you have been!

LUCIUS: I will not do it.

JUDGE: A hundred thousand people think you should.

LUCIUS: I will not do it.

FIRST WIDOW: Why will he not exhibit his achievements?

LUCIUS: Leave them there! That is their place! Leave them! Please believe me, I was alone! Do not torture me! Leave them under their covers, leave them, why do you want to shame them? Do not torture me! Remember them as they were, clean upstanding men, beautiful men, accidentally massacred. This is a public place. Please do not show them to the people! I love them!

He goes down on all fours and starts whining and barking like a dog.

The crowd roars with laughter.

JUDGE: At the mind’s limit we are beasts, I notice!

Heel, boy! Up, boy! Roll over, boy! Good boy!

He speaks sternly to LUCIUS.

Lift off cover! Lift! Lift, boy!

LUCIUS comes to himself.

LUCIUS: Mother! Mother! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He joins in the laughter at himself, and, crying at the same time, uncovers the corpses. They are blown-up goatskins. The crowd outdoes its former laughter.

LUCIUS stands absolutely still.JUDGE claps him on the back and kisses him, as do the widows.CROWD starts to file out, shaking his limp hand.

FIRST CITIZEN: Got you there!

SECOND CITIZEN: That was great!

THIRD CITIZEN: Better than the theatre any day.

FOURTH CITIZEN: That was reality!

FIFTH CITIZEN: Fooled yer!

MILO approaches LUCIUS.

MILO: Last night I saw you slaughtering the goatskins!

You went to bed still thinking they were robbers,

You were so slaughtered, so it struck my mind

To make you this year’s sacrifice to Risus!

Thank you, my friend, my guest! You may consider

Your bed and board so far entirely paid for!

Exit. BELLEPHERON approaches.

BELLEPHERON: Young man, young man, my story was a warning!

Look, you are standing on the brink!

Take a step back and think, please think!

LUCIUS screams.

LUCIUS: Leave me alone! God help me! Venus, help me!

Exit. Exit BELLEPHERON. Enter LUCIUS and PHOTIS. 

I will not take you to my bed again.

Find someone else, I am incapable,
I am a wreck, I have been soured by laughter.

PHOTIS: I am sorry, Lucius!

LUCIUS:You? Why?

PHOTIS: She’s a cat, a slut, a vixen and a thief, she’s a shit, a bat, she’s a bitch on permanent heat. She’s a vicious frig and I hate her guts and I’d like to drown her in her own piss!

LUCIUS: Who is?

PHOTIS: My mistress! At the moment, she’s in love with this blond git and she saw him getting his hair cut and she jabbed me in the ribs and hissed, ‘Get me some of that and I’ve got him.’ But as I reached out to get some, the hairdresser stamped on my hand and I ran off with nothing. But suddenly what should I see but this wineskin-maker shaving goatskin. So stupidly, not wanting to go home empty-handed, I grabbed some of the hairs and ran home, and thrust them into her majesty’s hot palm. In the middle of the night on her sacred fire she burned some, but instead of the blond one hammering on her door with his trousers down, it was the three goatskins – and you bumped into them, pissed as a snake, and sweetly killed them! So you see I am to blame!

LUCIUS: You mean her magic works?

PHOTIS: Yes, Lucius!

LUCIUS: I shall not fall into the jaws of laughter

Ever again! I shall be armed with horror!

I see how things proceed in Hypata,

All men bow down before the powers of darkness,

Captains and Judges, a whole amphitheatre

Of law-abiding citizens and matrons,

Helpless with pleasure, roaring at the glory

Of me undone by spells! Well I will join them!

PHOTIS: What do you mean, love?

LUCIUS: I want to be a witch! You have to help me!

To be respected – no, to be adored

In Hypata, to turn around the laughter,

Make it flow back to me as gold, a mansion,

Your love forever sure, I need dark powers!

PHOTIS: Don’t do it! Look at my mistress, she was lovely once, her magic has turned her into a permanent serpent –

LUCIUS: Whisper it low, what everybody knows,

You have to cast off kindness, be unsparing

Of others and yourself, you have to enter

The marketplace of darkness and give up

Heaven for everything you want! Oh woman!

PHOTIS: What kind of thing were you hoping for?

LUCIUS: To be transformed into a flying creature

So I can have the freedom of the air,

To leave my mockers on the ground, appalled,

As I rise out of sight, explore new spheres,

Bring back for your delight unearthly treasures!

PHOTIS: I’ll lose you! You’ll flutter off and that’ll be the last I’ll see of you!

LUCIUS: My love, I will return to you, I swear,

By the eternal tangle of your hair

In which I lie entwined, my nest is here!

PHOTIS: Oh God she would suck my guts out – she’s a strange and dangerous beast, she’s a cow with fangs, she’s a bitch with a tail that stings; she is furry and spiky and venomous; but fuck her, I love you, I will do this for you! When she’s next up on the roof, that’s her place; she has a platform, facing to the east, that’s where she goes when she changes into things.

LUCIUS: My love!

PHOTIS: Really?

They go to bed. Enter PAMPHALE to her roof.

PAMPHALE: This city is a mountain valley where young men shine like wild flowers. I, the bee, fly from one to the other. So I spread my web, for I am also the spider. I am the whale in the net, that breaks it, I am the mole that goes under all barriers. Oh pitiful rivals, without the power that is mine, I can scarcely call you women!

She takes pills and turns into an owl and flies off. Enter LUCIUS and PHOTIS in a great hurry, LUCIUS stripping off.

LUCIUS: Help me!

PHOTIS: Which one is it now? Which one? Actually I’m a crap witch, it’s not my vocation -

LUCIUS: This jar is empty. Find another one!

Break open every box the witch has hidden!

I will suck venom, lick the heads of toads,

Eat things that grow on graves, chew panthers’ gallstones!

How many of them do I take the first time?

This jar is empty. Find another one!

PHOTIS gives him another jar of pills.

LUCIUS: How many do I take?

He downs the whole jar.

PHOTIS: One! Goodbye. I don’t want to see this.

LUCIUS: Oh – one thing – how do I change back again?

PHOTIS: Oh shit I don't know! Yes I do! For animal transformations, the antidote is – oh -

LUCIUS: Come on!

PHOTIS: Roses, roses! Eat roses! Goodbye now.

EXIT.

LUCIUS: Now I am standing on a mountaintop,

Ready to fly or die! Goodbye, my love!

I feel the change! Now I must leave you, ground,

Soiled blanket that the cold world huddles in!

Where rain divided by the sword of light

Makes colours out of nothing, I will shine!

He flaps his arms and hoots, and runs off, leaping. His hooting turns to braying. He runs back on as a donkey, still jumping  up and trying to fly. In doing so he drops his rose, not noticing.

LUCIUS: Why can I not fly? Why am I still standing? These are not feathers, I’m getting covered in doormat, I’m not hooting, I’m braying! It was the wrong box! Photis, what have you done to me? Where is my rose? Help me! Help me!

Enter ROBBERS in balaclavas, who storm onto the stage and drive LUCIUS OFF. Enter Photis, running away from the robbers. She sees the rose, picks it up and puts it in her pocket. Robbers rush back and catch her, carry her off.

Exeunt.

The cave of the robbers in the mountain.They see themselves as paramilitaries and wear some kind of ragged uniform. Enter HYPOTROPHUS, DECIUS, ROBARTES, OLD WOMAN and other ROBBERS, drunkenly singing and stamping.

ROBBERS: When Mars comes marching into town

Then you and I shall weep no more!

When all the towers come tumbling down,

Then all the rich men shall be poor

And you and I will weep no more!

When all the men in wigs are burned

Then you and I shall weep no more!

When all the toffs to tripe are turned

Then all the rich men shall be poor

And you and I will weep no more!

And who will help to cause this fuss

So you and I can weep no more?

It shall be us, it shall be us,

And all the rich men shall be poor

And you and I will weep no more!

Enter BALBUS, HOSTUS, SEXTUS and others in a downcast state, with LUCIUS, carrying PHOTIS, unconscious, on his back, and a trunk full of money.

BALBUS: What was all that singing about?

DECIUS: Where’s Lamathus?

BALBUS: Dead.

DECIUS: Lamathus!

BALBUS: He will never be forgotten. Lamathus, Lamathus, came from

nothing! Give me more of that –

HOSTUS: He was an orphan.

SEXTUS: An urchin.

BALBUS: He was scum! He was a stupid ignorant bastard and he rose to be the Captain of this unit!

HOSTUS: He was a soldier.

DECIUS: (Drinking.) He stopped us drinking.

BALBUS: He was the stuff of emperors but he was born too late too soon in the wrong place with the wrong face and the wrong friends and the wrong brain.  

DECIUS: We are lost! We must disband!

HOSTUS: No – we must stand firm, in memory of Lamathus!

BALBUS: We are the Lamathus boys, sworn never to lay down the sword till we have made this empire understand us.

DECIUS: Oh Lamathus, Lamathus!

OLD WOMAN: Look at them, they brought back this trunk of loot and you didn’t even bring back Lamathus!

BALBUS: We’ve brought back an ass and a horse and a woman and all this!

OLD WOMAN: But not Lamathus!

HYPOTROPHUS: You should have fought to the death!

ROBARTES: We would have done!

BALBUS: If you did what we did, none of you would have come back!

ROBARTES: Yes we would!

DECIUS: That was you! This is us!

ROBARTES: I would have come back!

HYPOTROPHUS: So would I!

DECIUS: I would!

ROBARTES: No – we’d have lost one at least.

HYPOTROPHUS: Who?

DECIUS: Not me.

ROBARTES: Not me.

HYPOTROPHUS: Not me, mates!

ROBARTES: I’m sorry, Hypotrophus.

HYPOTROPHUS: I would have come back!

DECIUS: Not all of us could have made it, mate!

HYPOTROPHUS: I would have come back!

ROBARTES: You’ve got to go sometime. Face it.

HYPOTROPHUS: Shut up!

They fight.

HYPOTROPHUS is killed.

OLD WOMAN: Ah dear! Another one!

DECIUS: Tell us what happened to Lamathus!

BALBUS: There’s this rich bear-collector called Demochares. We found the skin of a dead one and dressed up Lamathus in it and sold him to this gent! At midnight Lamathus climbs out of his cage and starts creeping around looking for the safe. But a slave wakes up and sets the dogs on him, who drove our captain out into the street. Then the whole town stoned him to death. He never talked, he was a bear to the end. He growled, but he didn’t squeal.

DECIUS: We must take courage from the dead!

BALBUS: We have died like beasts, but none of us have died in bed, soaked in his own piss, crying for his mother while the landlord yawns in the corner. (Finishes his story.) We made good our losses at Milo’s house in Hypata – so Lamathus is happy, he did not die for nothing, he died for two hundred and sixty-eight pounds fifty.

He unloads money into the treasury.

ROBARTES: Oh Mars our father, you have placed our foot

On the soft faces of the hypocrites.

In their bronze urns they should be thankful ash

To have been vanquished by the likes of us!

ROBBERS: Feast! Feast!

DECIUS STARTS MOLESTING PHOTIS, WHO HAS WOKEN UP.

BALBUS: No no Decius, be a gent, we found her!

DECIUS: I like her!      

BALBUS: Fair’s fair! Me first, Decius.

DECIUS: Are you insulting my honour?

THEY FIGHT. DECIUS IS KILLED.

OLD WOMAN: Another one! This woman is bad luck! Do not touch her! In the morning, when the sun rises, I will drown her in the pond of the nymph.

BALBUS: Obey the priestess!

They eat.LUCIUS and his horse are led into view.The OLD WOMAN feeds them.

LUCIUS: Fortune, you stalk us like a lioness,

As blind to justice as a falling slate!

What kind of horror could a man commit

To be condemned to this – imprisonment

Inside a dumb beast! Photis, Photis!

They loaded her and all of Milo’s treasure

Onto our backs. Who would have thought the miser

Had crushing tons of gilded furniture

Stacked in his attic? And the house was burning

As we were pricked and bludgeoned up the mountain.

Somebody up there hates me! Only me!

Or are there others? Maybe missing persons

Are beasts like me who can’t cry out, I’m human!

Brays.

BALBUS: Shut up, ass!

Kicks LUCIUS.LUCIUS speaks to his horse.

LUCIUS: Candidus! Candidus! Can you understand me? Or am I completely alone? Ah you rascal, you understand every word I’m saying! Keep mum, eh? They’re watching us. Keep mum.What shall we talk about? This is an incredible opportunity. Hey Candidus, now that I’m a donkey, what do you think I’ll like? Women or other donkeys? What about you? Do you like women or only horses? What about horsey women? What about our trek up the mountain? A triumphal procession, with our rumps the drums! Were you frightened? No? I was about to collapse but then that other ass that was with us lay down, and when he wouldn’t get up they flayed off his skin and rubbed gunpowder into his flesh and set light to him. Boom! We trotted on nicely then didn’t we, eh? Like ice in a fat man’s pants our weariness melted away. If I eat a rose I’ll turn back into a man! Just wait till spring. I’ll eat one and leap on your back and be gone! So when you see me eating a rose, get near me as quick as you can! Ok? This is an adventure! Candidus, Candidus, why don’t you speak to me? I have told you everything – everything, on the long journeys! Now it’s your turn! There must be so much you want to tell me! Now is your chance, speak to me!

HORSE: Shut up, cunt.

LUCIUS: So you can speak!

HORSE: Shut up, cunt.

LUCIUS: Say more than that!

HORSE: Off! Get off!

LUCIUS: I do not want your barley!

HORSE: Get off! Shut up, cunt! Get off!

HORSE kicks LUCIUS savagely again and again.

LUCIUS: What is the purpose of experience

If you do not survive it? Now I see

What blows across the world, it is the light

Dust of the victims of experience.

He finds a basket of bread.

I am so hungry I could eat a – I could eat you, Candidus!

He eats. Exeunt some of the ROBBERS. The others sleep. PHOTIS approaches LUCIUS.

PHOTIS: Ass, ass! I am going to escape! I don’t know where you came from but – you have got to save me! Alright? The old hag is going to drown me in the pond in the morning.

LUCIUS: This is your fault! Because of you I will be like this till spring!

PHOTIS: Ass, I love you ass, be a good ass, when I jump on your back, rush out of this cave like lightning! Take me to Bellepheron –

LUCIUS: Bellepheron?

PHOTIS: He will set me free. The price is, I’ll have to be his wife. But no point hoping for Lucius, all he wanted was to be a bird, he didn’t want me. Anyway Milo would never have sold me.  

HE BRAYS.

PHOTIS: Hush, ass! Hush, beast! Hush! Oh why do you remind me of Lucius?

LUCIUS: What?

PHOTIS: The same heart-breaking stupidity -

OLD WOMAN hits her with a whip.

OLD WOMAN: Stop talking to that donkey!

PHOTIS: Pity me!

OLD WOMAN: What were you saying to him?

PHOTIS: I was telling him a story. A story I started telling to a friend of mine. Oh where did I get to?

OLD WOMAN: Tell me!

PHOTIS: (ASIDE) I’m telling it to myself. This is the best story. I’ve got to follow it through so I know what to do. Where did I get to? (ALOUD.) Psyche has fallen into heaven. Do you know this one?

OLD WOMAN: Yes!

PHOTIS: This is the bit about the jealous sisters!

OLD WOMAN: Oh I like this bit! I’m a jealous sister.

Enter SISTERS to CRAG.

FIRST SISTER: This is the place! Oh Psyche, Psyche!

What a catastrophe! Oh crikey!

SECOND SISTER: Sweet sister, I will never see

Your face again! Poor me! Poor me!

FIRST SISTER: Vile death, return her!

PSYCHE:                                        It is me!

FIRST SISTER: Oh! What?

SECOND SISTER: God help us!

PSYCHE:                           Come and see

Why you are wrong to weep for me.

ZEPHYRUS carries them down.

She showed them around the palace of her happiness, showed them how her bliss was glass-roofed and how artfully her joy was carved and the ex­tensions and terraces and conservatories of her content­ment and its water features. And all the time they hissed with joy and gaped their congratulations, but they were looking for cracks, they were all eyes for woodworm and the tick of the deathwatch would have been a heavenly anthem, for though they inhabited terrifying masonry mountains, their hearts were little hovels of hatred with fake tiling.

FIRST SISTER: Tell us about your lovely husband!

SECOND SISTER: What does he look like?

PSYCHE:                             Old but kind.

I love him mostly for his mind.

FIRST SISTER: Is it a big one?

PSYCHE: Shall we have some tea?

While she gets tea the SISTERS speak behind her back.

FIRST SISTER: Can you believe the cutlery?

SECOND SISTER: Sister, I hope I never see

Such an obscene display of money

Again.

FIRST SISTER: It isn’t even funny.

SECOND SISTER: I have to tell you something odd –

Our sister’s husband is a god.

FIRST SISTER: It is not right!

SECOND SISTER: It shall not be!

Unfairness splits the family!

And they cross-examined Psyche about her husband’s appearance, and when her description was contradictory –

FIRST SISTER: (Aside.) My God – she has not seen his face! (To PSYCHE.) It is a monster! The disgrace!

And Psyche confessed the truth that she had never actually seen her husband!

SECOND SISTER: Sister – your husband – can you say

Why he will not appear by day?

FIRST SISTER: Is it because he is a snake?

Have you been making a mistake?

Exeunt  SISTERS. PSYCHE approaches sleeping CUPID with lamp and razor.

PSYCHE: What have I been kissing here

In the darkness with no fear?

And the fern that’s curled inside,

Is it growing dragon-eyed?

I will light the lamp to see

What has been so free with me.  

Now it is your turn to bleed.

She lights the lamp and sees CUPID.

And the flame of the lamp leapt up with joy to see – Cupid! Her husband was Cupid, who, when his mother had sent him to curse Psyche, had fallen in love with her himself and, pricked by his own arrow, ravished her away to his palace. It was Cupid, stretched out in sleep, and the razor went blunt from embarr­asment and, longing to touch the god, a drop of oil jumped out of the lamp!

PSYCHE desperately tries to put the light out and hide the razor. The lamp sputters and burns CUPID with oil. He screams and leaps up. He flies off with PSYCHE hold­ing onto his legs. She drops to the ground, exhausted. CUPID flies up into the top of a cypress tree.

CUPID: You did not listen! Oh my heart,

You and I must live apart,

Since you needed so much light

In the middle of the night.

Exit.

Her sisters found her weeping under a willow tree.

FIRST SISTER: Sister, what is this misery?

PSYCHE: I lit the lamp but did not see

A monster – it was Cupid son

Of Venus, and he cried, ‘Undone

Is all our love, my shoulder blisters,

I must be married to your sisters!’

SISTERS: To us? You promise? Say no more!

And they ran to the cliff, and leapt, but this time the west wind was just the west wind –

They run and jump off the cliff and are killed.

OLD WOMAN: Bliss!

She falls asleep. PHOTIS leaps on LUCIUS'S back.

PHOTIS: Now, ass! 

LUCIUS stands still.

LUCIUS: Do not kick me!

PHOTIS: Escape, escape!

LUCIUS gallops away. They come to a stop.

PHOTIS: This is a crossroads. Which way down the mountain?

LUCIUS: Left.

PHOTIS: Right.

LUCIUS: Wrong.

PHOTIS: Dear donkey, you have been sweet so far, but we might fall out if you fight me.

LUCIUS: But that’s not the way! What are you, stupid?

PHOTIS: Do what I want, donkey!

LUCIUS: I will buck you off and step on your pretty face!

PHOTIS: God! Try with your whole mind, struggle to imagine that there could be a glimmer of a fraction of a half chance that you might be wrong! Do what I say, dense beast with your great dangling -

LUCIUS: Bitch!

PHOTIS: Castration!

LUCIUS: Wow! Our first row!

Enter ROBBERS, ROBARTES, HOSTUS, SEXTUS, BALBUS, DECIUS.

BALBUS: What have we here?

DECIUS: Thief! That’s our ass!

They beat LUCIUS back to the cave.

BALBUS: Justice! Justice against this cow and this ass who have tried to rob us of the just rewards of our work!

ROBBERS: Justice! Justice!

OLD WOMAN: Justice!

BALBUS: Wait. I cannot condemn this pair by justice for what we would do ourselves. Let no one blame this young woman for stealing herself from us. Whoever does that, accuses all of us. Very well then, I condemn her by injustice, for stealing from thieves. She shall be unjustly punished. Now to the sentence.

HOSTUS: Burn them alive!

BALBUS: That is a legal punishment. That would be justice. My hands are tied.

SEXTUS: What kind of death has not been used by justice?

DECIUS: Work them to death for nothing.

HOSTUS: There’s no law against that.

BALBUS: Cut the donkey open and carry it to the top of the mountain. Stuff the girl inside it, and then sew it up again.

SEXTUS: What a great illegal mind!

BALBUS: Let the sentence be carried out immediately.

PHOTIS: What has the ass done? He moves when I kick him!

LUCIUS: I am a Roman citizen!

The knives are sharpened. The ROBBERS are about to slice open LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: Why was I so slow? Why did I not seize

Everything lovely when I had my hands?

I tried, but Fortune lay in wait for me,

Kicked me down the steps of the Temple of Mockery,

When after years of loneliness love found me!

We must be quick, if we are to enjoy

The glory of this life, we must be cobras,

Ospreys – above all, we must not be donkeys!

Enter  BELLEPHERON, DISGUISED AS A ROBBER.

BELLEPHERON: God bless this place! Ah, God, I would rather have a cave for my billet than lay my head be­tween the legs of the empress!

BALBUS: He speaks like Lamathus.

SEXTUS: Where have you come from, friend?

BELLEPHERON: Out of an old song. Are you thinking maybe I am a god? I am not bothered with gods. Ex­cept for Mars, lads!

DECIUS: You are not from these parts.

BELLEPHERON: My father was Theron. Theron! You have heard of Theron!

DECIUS: Er – yes!

BELLEPHERON: Now he is a stain on the ground.

HOSTUS: What happened?

BELLEPHERON: The emperor sent a legion.

SEXTUS: Why so many?

BELLEPHERON: Because of something we had taken.

ROBARTES: What had you taken?

BELLEPHERON: Macedonia.

BALBUS: Theron!

BELLEPHERON: Till his empire dwindled to the crown of a mountain, slopes forested with soldiers. But I put on a dress and rode off on a donkey.

HOSTUS: What?

BELLEPHERON: Like Achilles!

HOSTUS: Oh yes.  

BELLEPHERON produces the dress.

BELLEPHERON: The start of my career as a dancer. In which I have lifted millions.

The dress is full of coins. He showers them onto the ground.

BALBUS: Captain! Captain!

BELLEPHERON: Well since you ask so nicely.

ROBBERS cheer.

We will suck up the cities of the earth like prunes, we will get that withered little emperor who killed my fa­ther, and make him dance in taffeta!

He unloads a sack full of food and jars of wine.

Music.

He dances in his dress up to PHOTIS.

And who are you? Will you be free with me?

PHOTIS: Dance, you mean? Yes -

They dance.

LUCIUS: Bellepheron! It’s Bellepheron!

Suddenly all the ROBBERS fall down asleep.

BELLEPHERON: Goodnight!

PHOTIS: How did you do that?!

BELLEPHERON: Wife!

PHOTIS: What?

BELLEPHERON: Say you are mine and I will set you free,

First from this cave, then from old Pamphale

And Milo, make you mine and make you happy!

PHOTIS: Of course!  

They embrace. His nose falls off.

PHOTIS: You must give thanks to this ass – he tried to help me to escape!

BELLEPHERON: Homewards! This ass will be a famous ass!

When you have ridden through the city gates,

We will proclaim him to the citizens,

The great escape ass, who in his attempt

Almost pre-empted bold Bellepheron!

They start to ride towards the city, PHOTIS on LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: He will not keep her! I will eat roses! But it is still winter!

PHOTIS: And he must be rewarded!

BELLEPHERON:              He will have

a herd of wives – and he will ride tonight!  

Look at the people streaming from the city

To celebrate your rescue and our wedding!

Milo was ruined by the robbery –

He has agreed to sell you to me, darling!

Enter people celebrating.

LUCIUS: Hooray!

BELLEPHERON: (To GROOM and TIMINOS.) Now introduce this donkey to his wives.

And he must do no work, he is retired.

PHOTIS: Donkey, thankyou, goodbye, goodbye! Have a nice life! (ASIDE)

I will be true. This man has paid for me,

And freedom is a gift so vast, a sky

So bright, I think a bit of loyalty

Is called for in return. But if one night,

As I am standing on a balcony,

Married and free, an owl should glide to me

Out of the starry dark, I might just feed it

This rose -

Exeunt all but LUCIUS and GROOM and TIMINIOS. GROOM leads LUCIUS to the mares.

GROOM: Well I do reckon this be donkey heaven. Watch and learn, young Timinos!

GROOM stands grinning and guffawing.

Goo on! Har har har! Goo on!

FIRST MARE: Is it true that you galloped away with Photis?

SECOND MARE: And they’ve given you us to reward you?

THIRD MARE: You were so brave!

LUCIUS: Any ass would have done it. There was a horse there – big fellow, but he didn’t move. I could see it was up to me, ass though I may be, it just had to be done, that’s all there is to it.

FIRST MARE: You’re terribly big for a donkey!

LUCIUS: I can eat roses any time I want to – Might as well use the thing I have been given! Shall we get started? Oh my God, the husbands –

Enter STALLIONS.

GROOM: Ooh eck.

FIRST STALLION: Yes, can we help you?

SECOND STALLION: Have you lost your way?

LUCIUS: I was just going.

FIRST STALLION: In the wrong direction.

They beat up LUCIUS.

EXIT. Enter CLYTUS and ARISTOMENUS.

CLYTUS: Turned into a donkey?

ARISTOMENUS: Not a donkey, an ass.

CLYTUS: Ass my arse. Entire camped armies of bottom-talk! I’d rather be blind and deaf, I’m suffocating, give me some truth!

ARISTOMENUS: This is a true story. You haven't heard the half of it.

CLYTUS: Give me a break!

ARISTOMENUS: I will. You can have fifteen minutes.

Exeunt.

PART TWO.

LUCIUS being beaten by TIMINOS.

TIMINOS: Donkey! Donkey! You’re my donkey! Up, up, up, up, up!

LUCIUS: Why? What? When? Why? How long have I been – what does ‘how long’ mean? What does ‘mean’ mean? Is it a kind of oats -

HE BRAYS.

TIMINOS: Whack! Whack! Whack! Hey – this donkey doesn’t work! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Oh no, does it need batteries?

He starts moving.

Blip! Blip! Blip! Missed! Blip! Blip! Blip!

LUCIUS: Vary your aim!

He collapses.

TIMINOS: Get up! Get up you punk, you freak! I hate you, I hate you! Aaaaaggghh! Aaaagggghhh! Get up I said!

He starts to cry and scream.

I knew this would happen! My donkey’s stopped! Oh! Oh!  

LUCIUS gets up.

TIMINOS: Here we are, here we are! And I’m going to load these logs onto your back and you’re going to carry them back down the mountain!

He starts to load enormous amounts of wood onto LUCIUS’ back.

LUCIUS: I have read the entire works of Aristotle.

TIMINOS: (Piling on wood.) Aurelia’s mother’s got tits that light up in the dark. Apparently. She sits in the window at night and it’s like two burning eyes. Moths come and flutter all over her. Apparently. She loves it. Bloody norah, how much can you stand? This is amazing! What a donkey!

LUCIUS: Now I am dying in a donkey’s skin!

And who will know there was a man within?

TIMINOS: Get your little no-arse on the move, boy, before I tartan your buttocks! I said move, you little misery! Move! Aaaaaagggghh! Go! Go! Move! Move! Aaaaaa­gggghhhhh!

LUCIUS: Why am I taking this so patiently?

He kicks the boy flying.

Oh please be dead!  - He isn’t even stunned!

TIMINOS: I am going to kill you now, mummy. Kill him! Kill him! Kill the donkey! Aaaaaaaggghhhhh!

He is about to hack LUCIUS to bits. Enter SESTOS and ABYDOS, in a panic, stopping him.

SESTOS: Woah there, steady boy! No, boy! Woah there boy! Down boy!

ABYDOS: Hey there, woah there boy! Steady there boy! Woah boy!

SESTOS: This be the donkey our mistress did give you to keep!

TIMINOS: He mounted Flavia’s mother in the street! Oh! Oh! Oh!  

ABYDOS: Do not force yourself to relive the experience.

SESTOS: Well we cannot have that! Tis indecent.

ABYDOS: Cut off his plums.

LUCIUS: Save me Venus!

TIMINOS: Can I do it?

ABYDOS: You can watch.

TIMINOS: Do it now!

ABYDOS: I will fetch my instruments.

Exeunt SHEPHERDS.

LUCIUS: Farewell forever, pretty girls,

I shall not see you in my dreams again,

Loiter at my heart’s corners to admire

You passing by like walking autumn trees.

Where are you, death? The time has come!

It was desire that pushed me down,

But how without it will I rise again?

TIMINOS drives LUCIUS up the mountain and begins to chop wood.

TIMINOS: This is the way we chop them off, Chop them off, Chop them off, This is the way we chop them off On a cold and frosty morning!

Enter BEAR.

LUCIUS: Who are you?

BEAR: I am the bear, death.

LUCIUS: Oh thank God!

BEAR: Not you. Him.

LUCIUS suddenly goes wild and runs off. Exit BEAR with TIMINOS. Re-enter LUCIUS. Re-enter SHEPHERDS with bits of TIMINOS.

ABYDOS: There is the murderer!

SESTOS: Seize him!

They seize him. Enter MOTHER of TIMINOS.

MOTHER: Is this the ass that did it? Devil behind the eyes of this animal, you shall not mock my misery!

She beats LUCIUS with an iron bar. He speaks as if remembering it as it happens.

LUCIUS: She took the beam that barred the stable door

And beat my bones till she could beat no more,

And it fell heavy on the stable floor

From her slack hands. She stamped and spat and swore,

And thrust in fire beneath my tail. Too sore

That is to be remembered. And I cried

Like a big baby, under my thick hide.

MOTHER: Too weak I am from bearing and burying! We’ll cut your balls off in the morning.

Exit MOTHER.

LUCIUS: In my opinion this was not a woman,

This was a tiger in a wrinkled prison!

This much I learned before my execution.

Ah Photis! Photis!

Enter SESTOS AND ABYDOS.

SESTOS: Well well, all change! We can sell this ass now, his master’s dead and his mistress is condemned!

ABYDOS: Hard to believe that one strolling so blithely on the green slopes of gladness could slip so suddenly over the cliff edge of catastrophe.

SESTOS: What exactly did happen?

ABYDOS: Well according to her –

SESTOS: Yes according to her!

ABYDOS: Bellepheron’s mate Thrasillus fancied her so he murdered Bellepheron while they were out hunting, and said a boar did it.

SESTOS: Did the boar plead guilty?

ABYDOS: Photis had a statue of Bellepheron made, and in the night this statue started speaking and told her what had happened, contradicting the entire wild boar hypothesis.

SESTOS: So the pig was exonerated.

ABYDOS: And she invited Thrasillus to dine, and drugged his wine, and with a pin she burst the lustful bubbles of his eyes. You see, Bellepheron gave her her freedom. 

SESTOS: So she is condemned. To what?

ABYDOS: The magistrate is yet to decide. But this ass is now ownerless. From which we must profit. 

LUCIUS: Now my big ears like spider’s webs are buzzing

With dying things! Poor Photis is condemned.

I feel as if I have been changed again.

I was an ass and now I am a stone.

SESTOS: Abydos, let us sell the ass, and with the money make our way to another place.  

LUCIUS is taken by the SHEPHERDS to market.

AUCTIONEER: What the buggery have you been do­ing with this one? Well, well, what can I get for this sad ass with a hide like a map of Africa?

Enter the rich BAKER, Rubicon.

Ah, Rubicon! Just what you’re looking for! Yours for next to nothing, then give him one feed and let him turn the mill till he drops. What have you lost?

BAKER: (To SLAVE with purse.) Give this man next to noth­ing.

LUCIUS is sold to the BAKER and tied to the mill, amongst other beaten asses and slaves. He brays.

LUCIUS: What was that noise?  

He brays.

What was that noise?

Enter Baker’s WIFE and FRIEND.

FRIEND: Hey, Phyllida, where’s your husband?

WIFE: Running the universe!

FRIEND: Where’s your young man?

WIFE: Oh he wouldn’t come here, he’s frightened of my husband’s thunderbolts.

Enter BAKER, snooping. FRIEND spots him.

FRIEND: Your husband? I tell you, my Philly, with that man you’re the luckiest little lady in the Roman empire.

BAKER: Ah, Sapientia! And how is your husband?

FRIEND: Still dead, Rubicon.

BAKER: I am sorry – the business of the mill – difficult times –

Exit in embarrassment.

WIFE: They would be difficult times if it was left up to him. All he thinks about is what I’m doing.

FRIEND: That is because of his misfunction.

WIFE: The imagination’s still functioning big time.

FRIEND: It’s a terrible shame – look at you, you’ve got great skin and your lips are delicious and your hair’s full of body and you’ve got lovely bosoms; you’re a woman crying out for attention.

LUCIUS: I cannot see them and I cannot hear them!

I’m just the ugly, suffering machine

That makes the bread that makes the baker’s living -  

Enter LOVER.

LOVER: I have come!

WIFE: What a big brave man!

LOVER: Hello Sapientia!

FRIEND: I feel the onset of irrelevance.

Exit.

WIFE: So what brings you then?

LOVER: The gorilla has gone to visit his colleague in the neighbouring cage. I saw him on the road so I nipped in.

WIFE: I still don’t understand what you want. Bread, is it, or just flour?

LOVER: I want bread and butter, cut thick, and lots of jam!

They embrace.

FRIEND: (Off, shouting.) Hello, Rubicon! Back so soon?

BAKER: (Off.) Goodbye, Sapientia, best regards to your husband!

WIFE: Under the trough!

She turns over a trough and the LOVER hides under it with his fingers sticking out. Enter BAKER.

BAKER: My faithful darling!

WIFE: Eh?

BAKER: Sitting here waiting alone!

WIFE: Why?

BAKER: Poor old Honorius has just caught his wife having an affair. It happened while I was there! She was entertaining herself with a young man when suddenly Honorius returned. The young man hid under the sulphurator. Honorius revealed that, just like me, he had rushed home because he had heard that his friend Nullius had been betrayed by his wife Inertia! Then the young man under the sulphurator suddenly began sneezing, Honorius saw him and it was all out in the open! I thought to myself – I’m so sorry – I thought, if even Inertia –

WIFE: Yes?

BAKER: If even Inertia could do that then –

WIFE: Then what?

BAKER: Nothing!

WIFE: Then I could? This is appalling!

BAKER: Forgive me! I will never doubt you again!

A SLAVE unhitches LUCIUS and starts to lead him off. He treads on the YOUNG MAN’s hand. YOUNG MAN screams and jumps out.

BAKER: Phyllida, is this what it looks like?

WIFE: Yes it is you old stoat!

BAKER: Oh no! No! No! Oh no!

BAKER breaks down. Exeunt all but LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: They are all beasts! My friends, do not be shamed

For being donkeys driven in a round,

Our masters and our mistresses are chained

To their own lust, the flour their labours grind

Is hatred and betrayal, soon to be

Baked into bricklike loaves of misery,

Stale from the oven. Then they will be changed

To beasts of burden just as we have been.

My love was never better, it was mere

Chafing of members, like a pig that grinds

Its arse against a gatepost. I have loved,

Like a canary singing to its mirror,

Only myself. But I was only human.

Now I will close my ears to them forever!

Enter TWO STORIES. They gabble over the top of each other, chasing LUCIUS around.

FIRST STORY: There was a slave, the steward of a house­hold -

SECOND STORY: There was a man who had a son –

FIRST STORY: And he loved a hooker in the town –

SECOND STORY: His son’s mother died and he married again –

FIRST STORY: And his wife, in fury, piled up all the ac­counts and set light to them –

SECOND STORY: His second wife fell in love with her stepson –

FIRST STORY: Then she took their daughter by the hand –

SECOND STORY: He would not love her back, so she decided to poison him –

FIRST STORY: And went to the edge of an abandoned mineshaft –

SECOND STORY: But by mistake her own son drank the poison!

FIRST STORY: And tied a rope around them both –

SECOND STORY: Then she accused her husband’s son of murdering her own son!

FIRST STORY: And jumped.

SECOND STORY: Just when the son was about to be condemned –

FIRST STORY: The master, enraged by the loss of his ac­counts –

SECOND STORY: An old man stood up in court, and cried out, I sold the poison!

FIRST STORY: Took the servant who loved the prostitute –

SECOND STORY: I sold it to this lady, and if you want proof, listen –

FIRST STORY: And tied him, naked, to a stump, and smeared honey all over him –

SECOND STORY: It was only a sleeping draught! Go to the tomb of this woman’s son –

FIRST STORY: The ants in the stump swarmed out and began to eat him –

SECOND STORY: And wake him up!

FIRST STORY: They crawled into his mouth and bit chunks out of his tongue –

SECOND STORY: They did – he woke – and his step­mother was condemned –

FIRST STORY: And slowly bit off all his flesh down to the bones.

SECOND STORY: To be burned. Thanks be to Venus, amen!

FIRST STORY: To Venus be thanks, amen!

LUCIUS: No more! I am a herbivore!

Exeunt STORIES. A scream. The BAKER is revealed, hanged. LUCIUS is led away to be sold. Enter THIASUS.

THIASUS: Thopsus! Anything for my menagerie?

SALESMAN: Well let me see, Lord Thiasus. I’ve got this man!

THIASUS: Man?

SALESMAN: Who was turned by magic into an ass.

THIASUS: Really?

SALESMAN: No, my Lord! Just trying it on!

THIASUS: You’re terrible! I’ll take him anyway – you never know – he looks an interesting – beast -

LUCIUS is seated at a table covered with good things.

Enter THIASUS, MELLITUS, CLYTUS and ARISTOMENUS and other guests.

MELLITUS puts a cigar into LUCIUS’ mouth.

He smokes. Everyone applauds. LUCIUS is given a glass of brandy, which he holds with great difficulty, but succeeds in drinking, to rapturous applause.

THIASUS: I thought there was something about him – and then one day we caught him browsing on an apricot Danish. Watch this!

He clicks his fingers. COOK presents a dish.

COOK: Bombay duck.

THIASUS: Oh.

COOK: Bombay duck mouse.

THIASUS: Oh!

COOK: Bombay duck mousse à l’orange!

THIASUS: Give it to him!

It is presented to LUCIUS, who gobbles it up. COOK weeps.

LUCIUS: Friends, this is nothing. Once I ate a human.

He grumbled in my stomach for a while,

And then I shat him out of my back end.

THIASUS: Come drink with me, my friend! From now on I shall not populate the mad little hours of the morning with myself alone, I shall look into his eyes and see, at last, someone as drunk as I am! We will travel the world, parade through every town, I will make another fortune! You will be my Golden Ass!

They set out.LUCIUS performs

LUCIUS: I can dance, I can sing,

I can juggle anything,

I can hold a conversation

With a man from any nation,

I can roll, I can jump,

I can work a waterpump,

I do thunderous emissions

From impossible positions.  

Enter MASSIMA.

MASSIMA: I want him.

THIASUS: For what kind of work? Oh, my dear lady –

She gives him money.

No man should stand between a woman and her dreams. Be gentle with him.

Exeunt all but MASSIMA and LUCIUS.

LUCIUS: Madam, you are beautiful, but I am a donkey.

MASSIMA : Have no fear. I know what you are.

LUCIUS: I am a donkey.

MASSIMA: Hush now my baby. You are my love.

LUCIUS: I am a donkey.

MASSIMA: All my life I have been searching for you! Now I will never let you go! Oh my darling!

They go behind a veil. Enter CLYTUS.

CLYTUS: Stop! This is going too far! Who dreamt up this filth? This is never in the original!

ARISTOMENUS: Yes it is – look!

He produces a copy of ‘The Golden Ass’.

CLYTUS: Is this Apuleius?

ARISTOMENUS: This is the original Latin.

CLYTUS: Can I read this out?

ARISTOMENUS: Be my guest!

CLYTUS: Tunc ipsa cuncto prorus spliata tegmine – sorry - now the lady – removed her clothing – and anointed herself with oleo balsam - which she also applied to me – paying special attention to my – nares -  nostrils. Then she – kissed me. And she told me passionately, ‘I love you, you are my only one, I can­not live without you.’ (And so on.) Then she grabbed hold of my capistro – bridle – and made me lie down. All this came naturally to me, especially since I was flush with red wine – and – egged on by the unguento fraglantissimo, which had aroused my prolubium labidinis. – Shall I continue? What worried me though was, the – er – difficulties. How could I – kiss her delicate and tender labia – lips, oh behave it’s Latin for lips! Kiss her delicate and tender lips with my huge rubbery ones – rubberaria – and how, quite frankly, was she going to accommodate my vastum genitale – I can’t read this out! But I needn’t have worried – because – she embraced me tightly and... oh. Totem me prorus... totem! All of him! The lot? The full English Breakfast? Well, that’s alright then

ARISTOMENUS: You see! And he was a person anyway, really!

CLYTUS: Absolutely!

Veil is withdrawn to reveal MASSIMA and LUCIUS smoking cigars.

MASSIMA: Why have you stopped the play? Why are you staring

With your mouths open? Have you never seen

Two lovers resting on the mountain top

Of one another? Is our love too complex?

I have been given what I could not get

From warriors, Kings and athletes – satisfaction!

She falls dead out of the bed.

LUCIUS: No! No! No!

THIASUS: Yes! He could do this in the amphitheatre! That would be justice!

An amphitheatre in Corinth.

Enter the RINGMASTER.

RINGMASTER: Ladies and gentlemen! The moment you’ve all been waiting for. It doesn’t get any better than this! What you’re about to see has never been seen!

Enter LIONS. He pretends it’s an accident.

Whoa! Who let them out? Hey! Back, Pompey, down, Julius!

He whips them off stage.

You’ll be seeing them again, don’t worry. You will see everything! Citizens, take a last look at your friends, you will not be the same when you leave this place today! And now to introduce you to the main event, here is none other than the Lord High Chief Justice, patron of these games, Thiasus!

THIASUS comes forward. PHOTIS  is dragged on, tied to a frame.

THIASUS: Civilisations do not just decline,

They blossom into new forms of confusion!

Citizens, friends! You know that in these times

Massacre, horror and despair are common!

Judges are going bonkers all the time,

Unhinged by what they hear! Take this example:

This wife grew jealous of her husband’s cowmaid,

And made a plot to kill the girl. She had her

Stripped, and thrust in a red hot iron that killed her,

Killed her own husband with a dose of poison,

Killed the physician who had sold it to her,

Then her own daughter, since  the law declared her

Her husband’s heiress! How shall this be answered?

Howls of all kinds from the crowd.

Enter LUCIUS all dressed up in finery and carried on a litter, eating grapes.

RINGMASTER: What’s this? A donkey eating grapes? Am I dreaming, ladies and gentlemen? This is ridicu­lous. What kind of a fool do you people think I am? This is a gladiatorial arena – we want blood here!

One of the SLAVES whispers to him.

Oh! He’s a dangerous animal, apparently, ladies and gentlemen – more vicious than a tiger in uniform. He is, in fact, our belle lettre – no, our pièce de resistance; and what he will perform here today for you will leave you sweating forever. But first he’s going to tell some fortunes, Ladies and Gentlemen. Fortune has made an ass of him, but what about the rest of us? What lies in store for the woman here?

Picks a card from the pack that LUCIUS holds out.

Oh! Oh no!

SLAVES start to lead LUCIUS towards PHOTIS.

SLAVES: Bring him on gently now, come on, come on!

LUCIUS struggles against them, then becomes limp and unresisting.

LUCIUS: I do not know what I am doing here,

But I am sure I have been here before -

Suffering laughter in the amphitheatre!

But I was not a donkey then. What was I?

Oh yes! Oh no -

LUCIUS is being led towards PHOTIS. RINGMASTER is still looking at the tarot card.

RINGMASTER: Ladies and gentlemen, I have got to admit, I know it’s a cliché, but I did fall a bit in love with this woman, whilst torturing her! And now it’s goodbye already, but I have got her a little something – what do you think this is? Well it is hers, she had it on her! There you are!

He puts the rose into Photis’s hair.

For you, my dear,

The first rose of the year.

Sweeten its scent with your sweet breath,

Before the beast loves you to death.

Wild applause.

RINGMASTER: And when the ass has made her his forever,

The lions shall devour the leftovers!

LUCIUS: I shall not do this crime! I am not human!

SLAVES: Bring him on gently now, get him on her – (Etc.)

LUCIUS: Citizens of the empire, fellow creatures!

You are all sailing into desolation,

Clutching at whores! Friends, I was once a human,

And it may be that you can hear my warning

Through this mad braying! Stop what you are doing,

It is not justice! I can see you changing!

You are all turning into worse than vermin!  

She who cursed me will not spare you, my friends!

Repent!

SLAVE: Shut him up! Get a muzzle on him!

Enter LIONS. RINGMASTER does not see them.

RINGMASTER: Why so shy all of a sudden! Get on her! Get on her!

LIONS attack RINGMASTER.  

No! Who let them loose again? Felix! Get off my arm! Down boy – Pompey! Aaaagh! Venus! Not my – oh no – ladies and gentlemen!

He is eaten. In the confusion LUCIUS frees PHOTIS. She gets on his back, they gallop off.

Seaside.PHOTIS slips off LUCIUS’back and lies unconscious.

LUCIUS: She looks familiar. No – I don’t remember. Is she dead or – shall I eat her? No, no – herbivore, herbivore.  

Enter the sea.

Oh hide me, ocean, from the human lions,

Rats with ambitions! I was one of them!   

He goes down to the sea.

Sea, you were never an efficient mirror,

But I can see too clearly what I am.

Poor donkey! How I hate you, humble one.

I know that if I was a man again,

I would beat you to death. I have not changed. 

There is no road, no reason to return

Into the clubs and companies of men.

But nor can I go on like this. What then?

The moon appears. He sees its reflection.

What is this question mark without a question?

Oh it is you, moon, rising, full again!

You have seen even more than I have seen,

But still you rise! I see your face has taken

A beating. You and I are just the same,

Our journeys are absurd and neverending,

We look, but things do not like to be seen,

They turn in shame and try to beat us blind!

Still, you have gained from all your suffering,

You hang so steady, like a decoration

On the night’s breast. O blessed queen of heaven,

Forgive me that I do not know your name!

As he speaks he washes himself in the sea seven times.

You have the power to transform all things,

Preserver of the earth, this dirty coin

Your rising rubs clean! So bright is your looking, 

The waves obey you like a flock of lambs,

Running behind you, leaping in your beams,

Nibbling the edges of the sleeping land.

HE PRAYS.

Change me, great Queen! Not back into the man

I was, but into something better than

The hopeless, loveless ass I was and am. 

PHOTIS wakes up, with the rose in her hair.

PHOTIS: Oh ass, thankyou! Is it the same ass? It is! I think it is. Or a similar ass. You are a good ass. You did not want to do what they wanted. You saved me. But I will never get away from them. I was a storyteller, now I am a story. This is a much better end you have given to me! Genius ass, you have brought me to the sea! This is the way that I will leave. Look there is a silver road on the water, that leads to the moon. I will take that. Thankyou, ass. Behind me the circus, in front of me the sea. I know which way I am going! By now probably Lucius is on the  moon, if he kept on flying! Silly hooting fool! I’m coming to find you!

LUCIUS: I remember that name –

PHOTIS: I don’t even know if I gave you the right pills. Maybe you never turned into an owl! Maybe you turned into a pig or a flea or - an ass! Maybe this is you! Lucius! Lucius! Are you asleep in this beast? Wake up, wake up, Lucius, it is Photis, Photis!  Oh look at that! There’s the rose, in my hair! Funny how it hasn’t faded. Roses – roses – the antidote! Oh eat it, ass, and turn back into Lucius.

She offers the rose. He refuses.

Nothing doing? Not hungry? More likely not Lucius. A pity. Oh look, the sun is rising! Moon fading! What does this say?

She reads a poster.

The festival of the spring sailing will take place here at dawn on the – tomorrow! Today I should say. Well I’ll miss that. Quick, quick, soon the circus will be coming! Got to die now. But first let me finish my story – where were we? Sisters dead, but Cupid flown, not looking good. And Psyche wandered from country to country, crying! Then she decided to pray for forgiveness to Venus. And Venus appeared, like a raging fire!

VENUS: Daughter in law, I love you dearly,

Thanks to your passion we are nearly

A grandmother! I know you yearn

To see my son. Well you must earn

The right! I have a job for you,

Which is not difficult to do;

You must unmix this heap of grain

And sand. I will be back again

In half an hour! (Exit.)

PSYCHE: My life is over!

It was not just sand and grain, it was wheat, barley, millet, poppy seeds, pease, lentils and beans all mixed together. Psyche sat stunned, with the blood dripping down her skin. Then suddenly, out of invisible holes in the walls came running hundreds of thousands of ants, the little civilized insects, coming to sort out the mess love made!

Enter ANTS.

And they did it on time and off they went, unpaid, to volunteer for the next crisis.

Exeunt ANTS. Re-enter VENUS.

VENUS: All by yourself? Well done, well done!

But you have only just begun;

Before you get to see my son

I have another chore for you;

Dear piece of dirt, you must pursue

The rivers Cocytus and Styx

To their high mountain source – no tricks

Will help you with this work – and take

Enough to splash a face awake!

VENUS gives PSYCHE a cup for the water.

The river Styx? Impossible! She was about to drown herself in a swamp, but a reed spoke to her and urged her not to stand against the storm; and Psyche bent, and walked right up the mountain to where the rivers begin that plunge into the world of the dead under the ground – but the spring was guarded by dragons and the waters themselves cried out!

Nightmarish roaring sound from the WATERS.

Her soul was an icicle hanging from the roof of her skull.Then suddenly Jupiter’s bird, the eagle, hap­pening by, swooped down, took her vessel. He fixed his sights on a gap between the dragons and dived and scooped up a jarful for the pregnant woman standing by the spring of death’s river!

EAGLE brings jar to PSYCHE.

PSYCHE: Thank you.

EAGLE:               No problem, pretty lady.

And she placed the jar in the hands of Venus.

VENUS: You were not meant to do that. Well,

Now you must travel down to hell

And pop into this box for me

The beauty of Persephone,

As much as she will give you – say

Enough to last me for a day,

For I am going to a play.

And a whole new species of despair evolved in her. She climbed to the top of a tower and was about to throw herself off when the tower spoke!

TOWER: From falling there is no return.

If you jump off, your bones will burn.

How will your husband kiss the smoke

That rises from your pyre? Poor bloke,

To have a wife of ash and cinders,

Forever slipping through his fingers!

And the tower told her how to reach the dead land, and Psyche descended and the Queen of the Dead put a smile into the box, and the girl climbed back into the light. But now she knew she would see her beloved, how could she not want just a little of the contents of the box for herself to refresh his love when he first set eyes on her after such a long time? But the beauty of Persephone was death.

PSYCHE opens the box and falls asleep.

But now Cupid in the room where his mother had locked him, fully recovered from his wound, climbed out of the window and stooped to the place where his wife lay swooned.

CUPID: Again my love you had to see!

Surely this curiosity

Will be the death of you, my dear;

But I will save you, do not fear.

Jupiter, I appeal to you!

Great King! With love I shall undo

All human ties, I shall break nations,

Scramble all rankings and gradations,

If you deny me Psyche! Wake her!

Enter JUPITER.

JUPITER: I fear you, boy. Infinity

Shrinks when your shafts pierce into me.

Psyche arise! The world has spoken

In favour of this passion, broken

By Venus only briefly. Now

To Psyche let all heaven bow,

See what this girl has struggled through;

By tears she made the whole world new,

When everything on earth rose up

Against the death of love! The cup

Of victory is hers, our prize –

In peace at last the boy’s bow lies!

Heaven attend! It is my judgement,

That for an everlasting moment,

Psyche shall be immortal Cupid’s wife,

And love shall be their life!

GODS and GODDESSES and CUPID and PSY­CHE dance.

And after a little more happiness, she brought forth a daughter, and they called her Joy. So ends the story of Psyche. And this is what she sang. Well I will not sing what she sang. There are no armies ants to sort out me, no Towers to tell me to live, the sea will not refuse to drown me.  Because I am not Psyche, this is not a story, I am Photis, she who walked to the moon on the silver road of the sea.

EXIT, LEAVING THE ROSE LYING ON THE GROUND.  

LUCIUS: Farewell.

Enter ISIS as the deck-chair lady and ice-cream woman.

ISIS: Ices! Ices! Excuse me.

LUCIUS makes no response.

I said excuse me.

No response.

Oi!

LUCIUS wakes up.

LUCIUS: What did you say?

ISIS: I said excuse me, ass. This beach is private.

LUCIUS: I’m so sorry, I’ll move.

ISIS: Or else – I can hire you a patch.

LUCIUS: How much?

ISIS: The bit you’re on is first class, you won’t be able to afford that. But if you move over onto this stony place, we could probably come to an arrangement.

LUCIUS: Alright.

ISIS: How much have you got on you?

LUCIUS: Nothing. I’m an ass.

ISIS: Would you consider paying in kind?

LUCIUS: Like what?

ISIS: If you do children’s rides in the afternoons, I’ll let you sleep on this stony scrap at night, fair and square, no questions asked. Is it comfortable?

LUCIUS: No.

ISIS: Fine, I’m not overpaying you then. Is the deal done?

LUCIUS: And you will own me then?

ISIS: Oh no, oh no, it’s just a temporary arrangement.

LUCIUS: But you will look after me – you won’t let any­one else take me?

ISIS: If you do well I’ll build you a shed at the month’s end.

LUCIUS: Promise never to sell me!

ISIS: I can’t sell what I don’t own. You better get your head down, it’ll be tomorrow soon.

LUCIUS: Alright. Thank you.

ISIS: See you later then.

She makes to leave.

LUCIUS: One moment –

ISIS: Yes?

LUCIUS: How can you understand what I’m saying?

She laughs.

Are you a goddess?

ISIS: What woman would say no to that question?

LUCIUS: Why did you turn me into an ass?

ISIS: The sky is also an animal, with its lion’s head of dawns and its peacock tail of stars. It prowls like a cat round the world. Ah, a rose, the first rose of spring! I’ll have that!

LUCIUS: No you won’t, it’s mine!

ISIS: You’re an ass, what do you want with it? I’ll sell it to some young man who’ll give it to his sweetheart, slave or not! Give me that rose!

LUCIUS: I won’t!

ISIS: Give it to me!

LUCIUS: Ha!

He eats it.

ISIS: Haha! Well done, well done Lucius!

EXIT Isis selling ice creams.

ISIS: Ices! Ices!

LUCIUS: Isis! You are Isis! Oh great goddess! Oh! Photis, Photis! She is drowning! Photis!

RUSHES OFF.  Trumpets, cymbals and drums. Enter procession, headed by the HIGH PRIEST. Re –enter LUCIUS as a man,carrying PHOTIS, who is laughing as if in delirium.

PRIEST: Who is this woman?

LUCIUS: I belong to the goddess!

He shies away from PHOTIS.

Cover my eyes, please, chain me to a post - gag me!

He tries to bray.

I am not a human! Tie my feet, hobble me! Kill me now, kill me! I will do bad things! Take this woman away from me! Will nobody buy me? Tie me to a mill! Beat me!

He brays.

PRIEST: Lucius, you have been released!  

LUCIUS: What should I do?

PRIEST: You should give thanks to Isis!

PHOTIS: Lucius? Lucius? Was it good being an owl? Did you get to eat mice?

LUCIUS: Photis!

PHOTIS: I am a free woman!

LUCIUS: I know!

PHOTIS: How?

LUCIUS: I was the ass!

PHOTIS: Not an owl?

LUCIUS: No!

PHOTIS: The ass! The ass! Oh!

She embraces him.

It was you in the cave! If you’d gone the way I said, we’d have been fine!

LUCIUS: No, no, you were wrong, you were wrong!

PHOTIS: Bellepheron saved us, but then he was murdered and I –

LUCIUS: I know, I know!

PHOTIS: Of course, you know everything! Wise ass!

LUCIUS: Never leave me!

PHOTIS: No! How could I? How could I? But they will kill me!

PRIEST: Are you the woman who was condemned to death in the circus?

PHOTIS: That is me.

PRIEST: You are now under the protection of Isis. All of us witnessed the miracle she performed here today. She has proclaimed your sacred innocence.

LUCIUS: Photis! You have been saved from the beasts!

PRIEST: Now help us launch our ship – it is spring!

SHIP is carried to the edge of the sea.

PLOIAPHESIA! Now let all ships depart, and have fair sailing!

PHOTIS and LUCIUS kiss.

PHOTIS: And this is what Psyche sang, when she and Cupid were married –

When I began to love

I was ten miles behind my life,

Although I was a happy wife  

I did not know what of.

I was a cupboard full of light,

All locked away and out of sight,

I lost what I had not yet had,

Then I began to love like mad,

My life had flown above.

But by this latest kiss

At last I know it was like this

When I began to love.

The End.